THOUGHTS: September Mourning #2

There are so many things that unconsciously affect me and are affected by mother's passing. I have, in the past years, given up driving completely during her passing over week. I used to find myself driving west on the highway and snapping back to reality wondering, "What am I doing? My mom is dead." Now I take every precaution not to schedule anything too heavy or mentally taxing during that time...

As fates would allow it, during my grieving week, I also had a long desired artist’s professional development session at The Royal Conservatory Of Music (recently renovated by my partner Stephen, who attended the opening concert that I couldn't share with him as I was working, “pout!”). When one is earning ones bread and butter as a freelance artist and instructor, ones personal development is all about doing and learning everything possible to do a job well done. I had my fingers crossed with Learning Through The Arts (LTTA) an organization that assists artists in the marrying of their art to the Ontario educational curriculum. This is a naturally necessary component to the variety of work that I do.

So don’t you know I missed the session! I was a day late, having got my wires crossed in technology as this LTTA group has their own e-mail system, and information came over indicating that our sessions had been moved a day! Finding out it had been my mistake I walked back to my studio dejected, and a little angry at myself for messing up this possible good thing; I had been trying so hard to stay on top of things, taking every precaution possible not to let the grief overrun my week.... Anyway, I wrote an honest letter to the folks at LTTA, while trying not to make excuses for anything, and after offering their condolence over my loss, they let me know that there was another session that I was welcomed to attend. Great, eh!

In mourning the anniversary of my mother's passing, I have come to the realization that even in the midst of grief I am capable of learning something. My mother was a great teacher of life lessons, so it seemed appropriate that I should learn to speak up for myself with the honesty and dignity that she taught me. Things with LTTA could have gone differently. I could have missed the scheduled workshops completely, and I would have been disappointed, but still I would have learned a lesson in taking chances and speaking up for myself. You would think that as an artist this is something I would be able to do with ease, since I perform and instruct for audiences, but like many artists, I have been made vulnerable by the constancy of occupational rejection. My mother knew that lessons could be learned at any time. Maybe her spirit was reminding me...